It's kind of a hilarious picture book in extremes. Because on the one hand, he's happy! He's discovering some genuine capacity for happiness. He's a bit intimidated to think of himself as "happy" and if he's being honest it's more "moments of happiness rising out of a sea of anger and resentment and grief" but moments of happiness are still kind of a big deal. And he's enjoying that.
Simultaneously he still kind of wishes he just didn't exist and wasn't alive again. He feels bad for that! And determined not to DO anything about it, because he's determined to change things and this time stop acting so much ON Kanda, even if he's bad at it. But the desire to escape his guilt and grief, while also feeling like he doesn't deserve an escape, won't go away.
And over top of all that he's finally reached the point where he is really, really secretly overwhelmed. He's emotionally exhausted, but he doesn't know how to handle that, so he keeps trucking on even though he is kind of getting to the point where he wants to crawl back into the futon and stay there and avoid people for a bit. Basically, I think I mentioned before that he really doesn't know how to handle meeting a lot of people who are his equals and being free and so on, and he WANTS these things so he's just throwing himself out there and doing his best anyway. But not knowing how to handle it and doing it anyway is having an emotional toll, and there have been a LOT of big emotional changes and revelations and events in the last few days, and while they're all good and he'd never take them back, they're big and exhausting and he kind of wants to have a really really thorough cry to just vent his emotional exhaustion but he also doesn't want to seem like he regrets any of the recent emotional events.
SO he's a bit strung out and forcing himself into mania to try to get through the exhaustion (even though that'll probably cause a bigger crash after).
ACTUALLY BACK AT YOU. Really generally how is life for Kanda right now.
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It's kind of a hilarious picture book in extremes. Because on the one hand, he's happy! He's discovering some genuine capacity for happiness. He's a bit intimidated to think of himself as "happy" and if he's being honest it's more "moments of happiness rising out of a sea of anger and resentment and grief" but moments of happiness are still kind of a big deal. And he's enjoying that.
Simultaneously he still kind of wishes he just didn't exist and wasn't alive again. He feels bad for that! And determined not to DO anything about it, because he's determined to change things and this time stop acting so much ON Kanda, even if he's bad at it. But the desire to escape his guilt and grief, while also feeling like he doesn't deserve an escape, won't go away.
And over top of all that he's finally reached the point where he is really, really secretly overwhelmed. He's emotionally exhausted, but he doesn't know how to handle that, so he keeps trucking on even though he is kind of getting to the point where he wants to crawl back into the futon and stay there and avoid people for a bit. Basically, I think I mentioned before that he really doesn't know how to handle meeting a lot of people who are his equals and being free and so on, and he WANTS these things so he's just throwing himself out there and doing his best anyway. But not knowing how to handle it and doing it anyway is having an emotional toll, and there have been a LOT of big emotional changes and revelations and events in the last few days, and while they're all good and he'd never take them back, they're big and exhausting and he kind of wants to have a really really thorough cry to just vent his emotional exhaustion but he also doesn't want to seem like he regrets any of the recent emotional events.
SO he's a bit strung out and forcing himself into mania to try to get through the exhaustion (even though that'll probably cause a bigger crash after).
ACTUALLY BACK AT YOU. Really generally how is life for Kanda right now.