CONFUSING ALMA FEELINGS ASIDE Kanda is...really genuinely happy right now. Like. Happier than he's been his entire second life. It's not overt like Alma, but there's a constant buzz of contentment, he's smiling easier, he's calmer again, etc. Because the dying and brought to life to be used again KILLED THAT HORRIBLY but then he got Alma and that's all he's ever really wanted in life so he... Can't complain about it anymore? LIKE he still has inherent issues with bringing people back from the dead, but he can't really bring himself to be bitter about it anymore, really, becuase he got THE ONE THING THAT HE WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING.
There's also from his conversations with Alma (esp the last one) that the reality of the war and what was going on in their world not mattering anymore sinking past his denial. And he has to accept he has no *duty* as an Exorcist and his and his title doesn't matter and it's pointless to hold onto it. WHICH AS I'VE SAID KANDA HAS NO SENSE OF PERSONAL SELF WORTH so he'll be translating his worth into an Exorcist into his worth cleaning/rebuilding the world, providing for their apartment, and even more into being worth the love from Alma. WHICH since that's splitting three different ways he's not going to unhealthily nosedive into one.
EDIT: but speaking of unhealthy nosedives he is becoming INCREASINGLY, RAPIDLY DEPENDENT ON ALMA. Like, it's one thing to be back home in the war and his duty and having never really had Alma and know you're losing him forever anyway and letting go and being at peace with what you did have. It's another to have that thing you've pined for and is still a constant on your mind RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ALL THE TIME. There's no actual need to move on, and Kanda doesn't think ahead of what losing him would be like because THAT IS A TERRIFYING THOUGHT. So he pushes it away because it scares him and never considers that, you know, he might need some way to stay stable if it happens.
So he is pretty much embracing his dependency as "this is what I want" and fuck any risks to his mental health if something happens (both because of how passionate he is about his feelings and how he has no self-worth outside of what other people define him so BEING WITHOUT ALMA AND HIS LOVE WOULD BE HOLLOWING WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT THAT'S NOT HAPPY).
So originally Guil was mixed message buddy and Kanda was feelings stable AND NOW THEY'VE SWITCHED. what does Alma think about that/the nuances between his perceived reasons for them.
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There's also from his conversations with Alma (esp the last one) that the reality of the war and what was going on in their world not mattering anymore sinking past his denial. And he has to accept he has no *duty* as an Exorcist and his and his title doesn't matter and it's pointless to hold onto it. WHICH AS I'VE SAID KANDA HAS NO SENSE OF PERSONAL SELF WORTH so he'll be translating his worth into an Exorcist into his worth cleaning/rebuilding the world, providing for their apartment, and even more into being worth the love from Alma. WHICH since that's splitting three different ways he's not going to unhealthily nosedive into one.
EDIT: but speaking of unhealthy nosedives he is becoming INCREASINGLY, RAPIDLY DEPENDENT ON ALMA. Like, it's one thing to be back home in the war and his duty and having never really had Alma and know you're losing him forever anyway and letting go and being at peace with what you did have. It's another to have that thing you've pined for and is still a constant on your mind RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ALL THE TIME. There's no actual need to move on, and Kanda doesn't think ahead of what losing him would be like because THAT IS A TERRIFYING THOUGHT. So he pushes it away because it scares him and never considers that, you know, he might need some way to stay stable if it happens.
So he is pretty much embracing his dependency as "this is what I want" and fuck any risks to his mental health if something happens (both because of how passionate he is about his feelings and how he has no self-worth outside of what other people define him so BEING WITHOUT ALMA AND HIS LOVE WOULD BE HOLLOWING WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT THAT'S NOT HAPPY).
So originally Guil was mixed message buddy and Kanda was feelings stable AND NOW THEY'VE SWITCHED. what does Alma think about that/the nuances between his perceived reasons for them.