KIND OF. Without much stability but settling in nonetheless.
On the one hand, he's got a vastly growing happiness and wonder. For the first time he actually is away from the Order. He's meeting people who have never heard of the Order. He had someone asked him if he ever got bullied for being a half-Akuma! The point that there's no war here any more has really suddenly come home to him. A lot of the times in a thread when he just starts crying it's because he's happy and feels guilty for feeling happy, or happy and doesn't know how to express it because most of the time his smile expresses how unhappy he is and he doesn't eveennnn. Seeing the sky made him cry because he was seeing it for the second time as 'himself' -- and the first time he didn't have any chance to enjoy it, under the circumstances (NOT THAT YUU EVER DID EITHER gosh). Seeing flowers made him cry because it suddenly felt like he could keep "her promise" -- was keeping her promise, which she'd held onto as Alma. So a lot of the instability is the fact that things don't just have to be coped with. And then Yuu is here! Both Yuus! Literally Alma wants only one thing more than being with Yuu forever. Getting to be with Yuus from multiple universes was never really something he considered for obvious reasons butttt you know what SURE. Here is a dream. He can make it, he can keep it.
On the other hand he hates himself and blames himself to a psychotic extent. He doesn't want to live with himself. The one thing he wants more than being with Yuu forever is to die and pass out of this world. He hated the Order and the scientists but he loved the individuals who made up the scientists and he fucking murdered everyone. He attempted to murder Yuu as part of a murder-suicide. He got hacked up by the person he loved the most and he knows it was justified. Worse, he knows it was for his (her) sake! After the Noah Brain Party he is completely, 100% aware, that Yuu almost chose to die with him but then decided to live to find her. So he knows that he forced Yuu to do something horrific and scarring because Alma thought the only thing he could do to protect them both and anyone who came after was to kill everyone here then die. In his own mind, Alma deserves none of this. He doesn't deserve a second chance. But he's trying very hard to not live selfishly, not decide things for Yuu the way he tried to do both as a child and after he woke up, and if Yuu wants him here he will take that second chance he doesn't deserve because it's only fair. But that is hard and inspires a lot of feelings.
On the third hand (what he had like six hands when he blorted out ok) the process of dealing with his feelings is enormous, at least partially because he's doing it with his important person twice over. Which I think is great -- maybe he'll actually start to deal with it if he has to repeat it enough. But it's like, I want to fulfill my dream -- for two people. I need to explain I don't blame him -- to two people. I need to explain why I did it, just in case it's something that needs to be discussed, to two people. And again I think this is fab for him and something he probably needs to be putting practice into anyway but he's a bit overwhelmed by it.
On the fourth hand he wants to be happy. Even as he resents and regrets everything and turns it inward, he just wants to be happy. Not being alone, and being happy, was all Alma ever really wanted.
Annnd on the fifth hand he is aware intellectually that this peace may be temporary. That the gods here have power and want them for a purpose and of course everyone will lie to them and of course they'll be made tools. (Alma may have some. Trust. Issues.) So he's trying to LIVE IN THE MOMENT but he's suspicious of the future.
BUT THIS IS ALL ACTUALLY BETTER THAN WHEN HE WOKE UP FROM HIS COMA AND TRIED TO KILL KANDA. I mean. He's grasping a kind of hysterical happiness, which is. A start.
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On the one hand, he's got a vastly growing happiness and wonder. For the first time he actually is away from the Order. He's meeting people who have never heard of the Order. He had someone asked him if he ever got bullied for being a half-Akuma! The point that there's no war here any more has really suddenly come home to him. A lot of the times in a thread when he just starts crying it's because he's happy and feels guilty for feeling happy, or happy and doesn't know how to express it because most of the time his smile expresses how unhappy he is and he doesn't eveennnn. Seeing the sky made him cry because he was seeing it for the second time as 'himself' -- and the first time he didn't have any chance to enjoy it, under the circumstances (NOT THAT YUU EVER DID EITHER gosh). Seeing flowers made him cry because it suddenly felt like he could keep "her promise" -- was keeping her promise, which she'd held onto as Alma. So a lot of the instability is the fact that things don't just have to be coped with. And then Yuu is here! Both Yuus! Literally Alma wants only one thing more than being with Yuu forever. Getting to be with Yuus from multiple universes was never really something he considered for obvious reasons butttt you know what SURE. Here is a dream. He can make it, he can keep it.
On the other hand he hates himself and blames himself to a psychotic extent. He doesn't want to live with himself. The one thing he wants more than being with Yuu forever is to die and pass out of this world. He hated the Order and the scientists but he loved the individuals who made up the scientists and he fucking murdered everyone. He attempted to murder Yuu as part of a murder-suicide. He got hacked up by the person he loved the most and he knows it was justified. Worse, he knows it was for his (her) sake! After the Noah Brain Party he is completely, 100% aware, that Yuu almost chose to die with him but then decided to live to find her. So he knows that he forced Yuu to do something horrific and scarring because Alma thought the only thing he could do to protect them both and anyone who came after was to kill everyone here then die. In his own mind, Alma deserves none of this. He doesn't deserve a second chance. But he's trying very hard to not live selfishly, not decide things for Yuu the way he tried to do both as a child and after he woke up, and if Yuu wants him here he will take that second chance he doesn't deserve because it's only fair. But that is hard and inspires a lot of feelings.
On the third hand (what he had like six hands when he blorted out ok) the process of dealing with his feelings is enormous, at least partially because he's doing it with his important person twice over. Which I think is great -- maybe he'll actually start to deal with it if he has to repeat it enough. But it's like, I want to fulfill my dream -- for two people. I need to explain I don't blame him -- to two people. I need to explain why I did it, just in case it's something that needs to be discussed, to two people. And again I think this is fab for him and something he probably needs to be putting practice into anyway but he's a bit overwhelmed by it.
On the fourth hand he wants to be happy. Even as he resents and regrets everything and turns it inward, he just wants to be happy. Not being alone, and being happy, was all Alma ever really wanted.
Annnd on the fifth hand he is aware intellectually that this peace may be temporary. That the gods here have power and want them for a purpose and of course everyone will lie to them and of course they'll be made tools. (Alma may have some. Trust. Issues.) So he's trying to LIVE IN THE MOMENT but he's suspicious of the future.
BUT THIS IS ALL ACTUALLY BETTER THAN WHEN HE WOKE UP FROM HIS COMA AND TRIED TO KILL KANDA. I mean. He's grasping a kind of hysterical happiness, which is. A start.
How is Kanda feeling about Alma being here?