I would never tell you that!! HOW RUDE WOULD THAT BE. (Unless it just slips out.)
Oh god.
Alma has thought a LOT about what he'd do if there was a second Alma. Because it's not something you can be in d.gray cast and avoid thinking about, I think, especially when you're friends with two Allens and living with two Kandas and two Lenalees. And he does not like the conclusions he's come to at ALL.
See the thing is from talking to the different pairs of everyone he knows he's more or less come to the conclusion that reality splits and different realities come into existence based on these splits. For a lot of them it was things like "the option for Sabra came up and they took it", but because Lenalee 1 is from so early in her timeline compared to Lenalee 2 and died in a situation that, although Alma doesn't know anything about it, it's clear Lenalee 2 lived through, he's thinking that a lot of times it's the "live or die" choices that split reality -- or at least, those are the ones you can tell in Thusia as it's dead people central here, he acknowledges that it might split elsewhere and you only find out from ones who later die.
So then he looks back at his life and he finds himself questioning all the points in his life someone else could have come from. What if he'd started hallucinating instead of Yuu and was put down? What if he had managed to escape with Yuu in the canal and he died under different circumstances? What if he hadn't self-destructed and run out of life after -- what if Allen and Kanda had got to him sooner?
And the trouble is that Alma, as he is as "Alma", has never had a success in his life in the things he tries to do. As much as he makes bad decisions, he also has terrible luck. His life is a tragedy! It was written to be one, I mean. So he tells the scientists about Kanda's hallucinations without knowing they'll try to put him down. He tries to break Kanda out and gets caught by the crow, and Kanda still doesn't escape. He tries to double suicide to teach the Order not to do this to anyone again and fails at that. He fails at getting killed and instead is left in an awful coma for so long. After, he fails to separate his "selves" in Kanda's view, and he fails at surviving when Kanda decides to live with him.
So when he looks at his life with a critical eye, at the various decision points, he can't help but think that any Alma who came here would be objectively speaking better than him. Had made better decisions. Had better luck. Had lived a fuller life. Had been successful at something in his life. And he can't help but be horribly jealous of that. All the things he hates himself for, all the guilt he bears, all the anger in his heart, that other Alma may somehow have got out of it. If Alma became an Exorcist it would have to be around situations where either his and Kanda's situations were reversed and it wasn't "Alma", or he'd managed to get through that and save Kanda and not hate the Order, or at least somewhere along the line not screw up as badly as he did. If it's an Alma who died at any of the times Alma had wanted to, it would be an Alma who had control over at least his own death. etc etc. He doesn't want to be that person but is terrified he would be -- jealous and angry and focusing all his self-hate on this person who got out of it even a little, while still feeling this other Alma deserves all the good things Alma's since earned in Thusia much more than he himself does.
And then he found out from Watson that alternate selves can come from vastly different timelines and realized that even if it was long ago, Alma as "that woman" could show up here, without any of Alma's own failed life experience on top of it, nothing but purely that woman Kanda has looked for this whole time, and he is terrified of that too.
I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY WITH ANOTHER ALMA. ICly, though, Alma is completely terrified of the very real possibility and how he might react.
WHAT IF THERE WAS A SECOND RABI other than him being a handsome cad.
no subject
Oh god.
Alma has thought a LOT about what he'd do if there was a second Alma. Because it's not something you can be in d.gray cast and avoid thinking about, I think, especially when you're friends with two Allens and living with two Kandas and two Lenalees. And he does not like the conclusions he's come to at ALL.
See the thing is from talking to the different pairs of everyone he knows he's more or less come to the conclusion that reality splits and different realities come into existence based on these splits. For a lot of them it was things like "the option for Sabra came up and they took it", but because Lenalee 1 is from so early in her timeline compared to Lenalee 2 and died in a situation that, although Alma doesn't know anything about it, it's clear Lenalee 2 lived through, he's thinking that a lot of times it's the "live or die" choices that split reality -- or at least, those are the ones you can tell in Thusia as it's dead people central here, he acknowledges that it might split elsewhere and you only find out from ones who later die.
So then he looks back at his life and he finds himself questioning all the points in his life someone else could have come from. What if he'd started hallucinating instead of Yuu and was put down? What if he had managed to escape with Yuu in the canal and he died under different circumstances? What if he hadn't self-destructed and run out of life after -- what if Allen and Kanda had got to him sooner?
And the trouble is that Alma, as he is as "Alma", has never had a success in his life in the things he tries to do. As much as he makes bad decisions, he also has terrible luck. His life is a tragedy! It was written to be one, I mean. So he tells the scientists about Kanda's hallucinations without knowing they'll try to put him down. He tries to break Kanda out and gets caught by the crow, and Kanda still doesn't escape. He tries to double suicide to teach the Order not to do this to anyone again and fails at that. He fails at getting killed and instead is left in an awful coma for so long. After, he fails to separate his "selves" in Kanda's view, and he fails at surviving when Kanda decides to live with him.
So when he looks at his life with a critical eye, at the various decision points, he can't help but think that any Alma who came here would be objectively speaking better than him. Had made better decisions. Had better luck. Had lived a fuller life. Had been successful at something in his life. And he can't help but be horribly jealous of that. All the things he hates himself for, all the guilt he bears, all the anger in his heart, that other Alma may somehow have got out of it. If Alma became an Exorcist it would have to be around situations where either his and Kanda's situations were reversed and it wasn't "Alma", or he'd managed to get through that and save Kanda and not hate the Order, or at least somewhere along the line not screw up as badly as he did. If it's an Alma who died at any of the times Alma had wanted to, it would be an Alma who had control over at least his own death. etc etc. He doesn't want to be that person but is terrified he would be -- jealous and angry and focusing all his self-hate on this person who got out of it even a little, while still feeling this other Alma deserves all the good things Alma's since earned in Thusia much more than he himself does.
And then he found out from Watson that alternate selves can come from vastly different timelines and realized that even if it was long ago, Alma as "that woman" could show up here, without any of Alma's own failed life experience on top of it, nothing but purely that woman Kanda has looked for this whole time, and he is terrified of that too.
I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY WITH ANOTHER ALMA. ICly, though, Alma is completely terrified of the very real possibility and how he might react.
WHAT IF THERE WAS A SECOND RABI other than him being a handsome cad.
Similarly what if there was a Bookman