[Pumpkin] Alma Karma (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
imaginemeandyuu) wrote2012-06-27 03:41 pm
imaginemeandyuu) wrote2012-06-27 03:41 pm
Entry tags:
Question meme
I meant to do a question meme when I hit 11,111 but then I overshot somehow...
SO UH QUESTION MEME. For Alma Karma and Kubota Makoto (and Ur'ghaste or general RP I guess if you want).
/o/~~
SO UH QUESTION MEME. For Alma Karma and Kubota Makoto (and Ur'ghaste or general RP I guess if you want).
/o/~~
no subject
inb4: terriblyno subject
Okay so terribly obviously.
Alma knew that he'd dislike any other version of himself who showed up! There's no helping it. If it was past-Alma he'd be jealous of her because if she was here, she got to avoid all the awful bs of the Seconds, but also would never know 'his' life. If it was normal Alma, then either he did better than the current Alma and he'd be jealous, did worse than the current Alma and he'd loathe him for somehow managing to sink lower, or did the same, and then he'd just hate that Alma just as much as himself. SO HE HAS SPENT QUITE A BIT OF TIME IN THUSIA DREADING GETTING A DOUBLE because he's like "I'm going to be a huge asshole!!"
So exoAlma shows up and akuAlma immediately is like OH GOD IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, TRY TO BE NICE TO HIM HOWEVER ANGRY AND BITTER AND LOATHING YOU FEEL, ALMA and that's why he tried to put a smile on and be nice but that didn't. Really work out very well for them in the end. Plus they're both super-reactive characters so when one is unpleasant the other reacts, and they're equally inclined towards tears and rage.
SO ANYHOW his main feelings towards exoAlma are disgust (how could he possibly go through so many of the same things, including the massacre, and ever justify working with the Order again) and pity (since it's obvious that exoAlma doesn't REMEMBER a lot of this, and if he does remember and realizes he's been working with the people who violated him so, so terribly, that's going to suck balls), and rage (because he doesn't want to remember, isn't letting himself remember, and isn't owning up to who he is and what he did as a result). And then on top of that he's hurt and scared and feels like a disgusting monsterbeast compared to him, and lonely, like his entire being is being denied, and also desperately upset that despite all this, exoAlma never had to have his total autonomy taken away and become just a flesh body for experimentation, had friends, and had a pretty good life after the fact (or so it seems) despite becoming just a tool.
But at the same time he knows it's pretty shitty for exoAlma so he occasionally tries to be nice despite his distress, even though that quickly spirals out of his control as soon as they start pushing each other's buttons.
Back at you!
no subject
Sob, it feels like they're both just catalysts for being even more terrible to each other. Whenever one of them says anything, the other springboards off of it into an even worse mindset.
That said, exoAlma isn't even remotely trying to get along with akuAlma. He doesn't want anything to do with the Akuma and really honestly wishes he would disappear. He wants to just sweep the other under a rug and leave him there.
As I've said before, he's still half stuck on the idea that akuAlma isn't a real person--just an extension of how he perceives himself. That idea is slowly getting toned down as he has more time to sit and think. Now that he's had a little while to calm down a bit, and stop being trauma'd every two seconds, he is trying to piece the world together in a way that he can deal with it. Which means finding out more about this otherself and trying to conceptualize the idea of him as a separate individual.
Seeing akuAlma as a separate person is hard! As he finds differences, it starts to get easier. Or rather, he starts to get horribly jealous rather than just wrapped up in self-hate.
The jealousy of akuAlma seems to be wrapped up in the idea that akuAlma 'wears' his monster on the outside, and still manages to have people who defend him and treat him, as not only a person, but as a friend too. ExoAlma has wrapped himself so deep into his issues that he doesn't think anyone who could see them plainly would be able to accept him as any of those things. ExoAlma tries so hard to be "normal" that he doesn't know how to be as truthful and honest as akuAlma--he doesn't even know where he would begin.
All of these friends of akuAlma's (that should, in exoAlma's mind, be his, not akuAlma's--as if people can't be friends with both at the same time) make exoAlma feel rather betrayed on top of hurt/lonely/angry that no one seems to know him for him. "How could they be friends with a monster and not be my friends instead?" sort of mentality that he is too wrapped up in other things to realize is completely illogical. What really gets him is that even the Lenalees are friends with akuAlma--because he thinks of Lenalee as his oldest friend
and sometimes crush, and even in his own world, she knows so little about his life before meeting her.Which, of course, is totally ignoring the Kandas. ExoAlma doesn't want to connect those two ideas together right now. He literally refuses to think about how they relate to one another, even with all the passing comments people have made to him about it.
So, basically it's a lot of NO NO NO NO CANNOT BE from exoAlma still, and he's ruining akuAlma's attempts to be nice because exoAlma doesn't want to get along with him at all.
What does akuAlma think about what might have happened to exoAlma's Kanda?
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Alma is very sure that exoAlma's Kanda is in the same sealed semilucid coma that *he* was in in his own world and he haaates that thought SO MUCH. But from what exoAlma's said it's the only thing that makes sense, because if Kanda 'died' in that situation, then he'd end up in the same situation that canon Alma did when HE 'died'. Sure, exoAlma thinks Kanda's dead -- just how canon Kanda thought canon Alma was dead. So Alma's like "Nope" over that entire thought. A piece of bitterness he expressed to -- I forget I think Akako? Is that he can't envision how exoAlma could possibly have succeeded in killing Kanda and then not taken every possible opportunity to suicide himself. If there is any point he thinks of exoAlma as a monster, it's the fact that this Alma apparently lived past Kanda -- the only acceptable death for Kanda is one where they go together. :|
What's been helping exoAlma to settle in so far?
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What's been helping exoAlma is not only the obvious support from castmates, even if they don't have a shared history, but also the brawls he keeps getting himself into. Punching his feelings out helps him get his head back on straight and be able to continue on--or find a way to continue on. Right now, that "continuing" is a little patchy and his crazy is still leaking a bit, but he's mostly just trying to tape everything together in a way that lets him function.
Functioning and being useful come first. Everything else comes after that... if ever.
How would akuAlma react if exoAlma did attack one (or both) of the Kandas? .... Moreso than he has already anyway.