[Pumpkin] Alma Karma (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
imaginemeandyuu) wrote2012-03-06 11:37 am
imaginemeandyuu) wrote2012-03-06 11:37 am
Entry tags:
Question Meme: Return of the Question Meme
LOOKS LIKE IT IS TIME FOR A QUESTION MEME AGAIN
for Alma and, if you want, Ur'ghaste /o/ Or just me as a RPer. Whatever I'm easy.
(Goin' to lunch, will start answering when I'm back)
for Alma and, if you want, Ur'ghaste /o/ Or just me as a RPer. Whatever I'm easy.
(Goin' to lunch, will start answering when I'm back)
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Alma doesn't tend to think much about splurging about feelings other than IT IS SO NICE TO GET ALL OF THIS OFF MY CHEST. He LIKES talking about feelings and throwing feelings out there and being emotionally open and emotionally grandiose.
That said in this case he is getting super mixed messages. YOU ARE MY MIXED MESSAGE BUDDY. "I don't know if what I feel is romance?" "A-and if that's the case that's okay" "OH GOOD /Puts Alma in mouth". MIXED MESSAGES, YUU, mostly of course because Yuu's own feelings are obviously mixed and he's acting on them. All of them. In their mixed up glory. (I love it).
He's trying not to be forceful while at the same time he enjoys taking the iniative and Kanda seems to enjoy that too yet also he doesn't want Kanda to feel like he's strongarming things to go a certain way yet he is also really bad at sitting back and waiting when there are FEELINGS TO ACHIEVE. So Alma too is sort of winging it a lot.
ON A RELATED NOTE he actually tends to assume the Kandas separate "Alma" and "that woman", mostly because he's afraid of that. I mean, of course he's afraid of that -- he was miserable and awful all over when trying to make Kanda kill him because he was trying to achieve a result he didn't want -- both making Kanda Kill him and making Kanda separate the two of them in his head. It's just that he didn't think there was a better solution! He was terrified that if Kanda realized they were the same person he'd get rejected completely because he assumed Kanda would reject her too.
Knowing that Kanda didn't do that didn't make the fear go away so much as convert into something else -- he's scared that having accepted them both, Kanda will keep them separate anyway and react to them as if they're two different people. While a totally reasonable approach, for Alma it's a fear because to himself, they're one person. He doesn't separate her and himself as two different "people"; at most he separates themas two different sets of experience which ran back to back. As far as people and persons and personality goes, she is him and he is her, and his differences in behavior and modes of thought are, to him, just because of the experiences he lived as Alma and with amnesia, just a personality development through events in his life. If he didn't think that way, trying to have Kanda kill Alma so that "that woman" would always be important would never be "keeping Yuu forever" to Alma; in order for it to be a way to keep Kanda, instead of losing him to her, Alma has to genuinely identify as her. The separation isn't something he really wants, it's something that makes him miserable, but it's what he thought was the only thing left. So the fact that it's a fear stays with him in terms of thinking that the Kandas don't really understand that he's not a separate person with the same memories of being that woman that Kanda vaguely recalls, but that that person isn't separate, that their life is the same and their brain is the same and her soul is his soul too. Just as "I can die so he keeps loving me because he doesn't know or believe that I'm me" was a thought, the same core exists in "He loves me, but he doesn't really believe that I'm me".
Which is more a fear than a reality! He has accused Guillotine of not getting it a few times and had it rebuffed, but he doesn't believe Guillotine's "I know you're the same". He just doesn't buy it! Because he's afraid to buy it and then be proven wrong. So Alma is actually not looking too hard into the mixed messages because he's scared of what he'll see, which is part of why he's not actually calling Kanda on it or addressing it -- he alternates generally between backing away from the painful fears and sort of bull-charging right into them, so that may well switch up, but there is that atm.
Tell me about Kanda's feelings about the recent thing with Lenalee!
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But the underlying romantic he feels is definitely towards Alma when it comes up, and it's not him necessarily remembering her. Because different things reminds him of her and Alma, so while it's kind of lingering from what they had in their first lives/the love he feels for That Person, it's not necessarily a direct association. WHICH IS WHY IT'S CONFUSING BECAUSE IF HIS FEELINGS WERE THE SAME THAT WOULD BE MUCH MORE PROMINENT.
AS FOR LENALEE he doesn't even know. That was awkward, and while they kinda settled their fight and all that he's not sure what he's supposed to do in the future? Because he is confused with Alma so there's nothing more he can say than what she already knows, and he can't bring himself to talk to her about that confusion because he's never talked to Lenalee about his feelings before! And she still doesn't know of their shared past past.
But he's also really awkward with affection and private so he can't just--stop caring if other people are watching him touch and hold Alma in a way that he's never really done in his second life. Because they'll stare and notice and point it out! He knows this! Lenalee just did that! And Kanda doesn't want all of this attention and questions brought to him about it.
ON THE SUBJECT OF UST does Alma have any overt sexual urges to Kanda like Guil, or does Kanda's lack of interest kind of kill his interest and he focused on other things?
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Cry haha yeah NOPE KANDA IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
Alma is definitely both in love and attracted to Kanda! He wouldn't be kissing Kanda if he didn't find him sexually attractive and interesting, basically. If he had a total lack of interest from Kanda, he would stop acting on it and just be FRIENDSHIP IS GREAT FRIENDSHIP ROCKS but since Kanda is more or less giving him really strong "interested just unsure??" vibes he can't really dampen his own interest. It's why he's trying so hard to be more passive than he's actually good at, because he doesn't want to strongarm Kanda into something Kanda isn't sure he wants to do, and that's not just romance, it's sexuality. But he really enjoys kissing Kanda, and cuddling him is both nice just to hold him and a bit of a guilty pleasure because /// ahh I'm touching him I love him I want him. When he was cuddling on top of Kanda and went red and tried to pull back and tone it down after nip-kissing his neck, it's because the noise Kanda made was a real turn-on, and there'd been some strong neck-mauling with Guil so he's quite aware of it as an errogenous zone. BASICALLY AS WITH ANY CRUSH he's really really really sexually tense around Kanda yeah. He's just trying to play it cool and not make Kanda feel rushed while he's all confused.
Does Kanda suspect how far things have gone with Guil or is it a strict AND THEN I WILL NEVER THINK OF IT territory?
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Tell me 5 things Alma wants to do with either/both Kandas! That he hasn't already.ACTUALLY I'M GONNA CHANGE MY QUESTION unless you particularly want to answer that one in which I accept more indulgences to my nosy behavior.
But what are 3 similarities and 3 differences between Kanda and Guil (as themselves, with Alma, with other people, etc) that you find particularly interesting?
Or less than three if you can't come up with that many. :|a
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I'd list 5 things but he wants to do everything. EVERYTHING. If he thinks of it, he wants to do it. While still convinced that he should just be dead, he's becoming greedy of all the things he can do with the Yuus while alive. he craves experiencesss.
OH GOSH HMM ok similarities:
- Their reactions to things! This is general but it is great because it's really fun to see you and Zazzle so much on the page -- as far as predictability goes, Alma does things and the reaction is always -- feels like it's coming from the same place. Alma doesn't have a disjoint in thinking of them both as the Yuu he knew because they both FEEL like that Yuu.
- Hilariously this means that he keeps having similar conversations with both around the same time WHICH I LOVE. Or lots of parallels, like the whole FEELINGS IN THE HALL thing.
- They both get cute and shy around similar things, and ballsy around similar things too.
THERE'S A LOT OF SIMILARITIES I LOVE IT
differences:
- Guil is more intensely needy in an immediate way and Kanda is more laid back
- Guil jumps to decisions faster than Kanda (generally speaking)
- Guil has more of a concept of a broad social network than Kanda does (as in Apartment E, ex Hydracula, etc). It's still limited, but it's there.
I THINK THOSE ARE. THAT'S. A ROUGH ESTIMATION.
Five things Kanda wants to say to or do with Alma that he stops himself from saying/suggesting/whatever out of shyness, embarrassment, w/e?
- Simil
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THAT IS ALSO DIFFICULT because Kanda doesn't tend to think ahead about what he wants with Alma, he just acts! He's fumbling through things. UM.
1. He wants to grill Alma about their relationship in their past lives, but he doesn't because... that seems kind of tactless/look like he cares more about her than Alma as he is now? WHICH HE DOESN'T WANT TO IMPLY AT ALL but Alma as a whole is just so important to him that he hates not having parts of him/her. And it's frustrated to not be able to remember the person you love with all your heart. More than any memory he wants what he had with Alma back.
2. He's very hesitant to actually ask for affection. Mostly because it's embarrassing to do so, but since Alma's very receptive and touchy he can initiate it on his own without problem, and Alma gives plenty without prompting. It's just sometimes he wants something to continue but how is he supposed to say "no keep doing that" that seems so strange?! Esp. more intimate things when he's confused and uncertain and like AM I GOING TO STILL LIKE THIS because part of him actually is kind of afraid that he... won't love Alma romantically. And this bothers him both because he wants to make Alma happy and give him what he wants, including the kind of love he's pining for, and part of it's... not something he can describe, it's much more underlying. But kind of like losing part of Alma by losing part of his feelings for her/him?
3. Even though he kinda came to peace with the fact he couldn't keep his promise back home, with Alma here there's a small desire to... try and keep it anyway. Because that promise defines more than just a gift or intimate event, it's his love. It's so tied in with his feelings and drive that actually keeping it would probably be the strongest, most absolute declaration of love from his point of view. WHICH IS REALLY SAPPY but the association is so strong and it's so out of context and permeated into his passion that it has taken on so much more meaning than it probably used to. I mean, he spent his whole life trying to find her just to keep it! Because she meant everything to him, so he turned that promise into everything.
But he'd have to find a field first. :|a
4. THIS IS GETTING DIFFICULT NOW UM. All of this sensitive-spot touching Alma's getting into wants him to find more than just his chin, so he can get the upper hand if he wants it. But that requires touching around, but for all Alma flusters him he wants to do it back. Partially because he has found TROLLING IS LOTS OF FUN LOOK AT THEM WIG OUT 8D and also so he's not always the one getting embarrassment-teased, because pride.
5. This is another embarrassment/wow I look needy and clingy thing, but he does like resting with Alma. They're normally a highly active/reactive pair and Alma's all emotional and brawling like children and etc etc. It's nice to get the reverse and just wind down with him and chill out, like he does with meditating.
Wow that got long.
ALMA WAS GETTING KIND OF CRAZY FACE OVER THE CUTE THING what was that lack of icons/caught in the moment/etc? also what would he have done if he'd gotten Kanda's face over his neck. :|a
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It was half lack of really fitting icons and half that he was getting a little manic as he started to tease/get ...focussed... on him. Sort of "CLOSEST APPROXIMATION" I guess.
If he'd got his face he was going to shower it with kisses while holding him there and saying CUTE. ADORABLE. AWWW. etc. So it's just as well because your pride, sir.
Alma gets deaged for a day - how does Kanda react?
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TO A KID OR ROLLED BACK TO FEMALMA?
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First off watch over him like an over-protective older brother becuase Alma was NAIVE AND IMPRESSIONABLE at the time and there are not nice people here. Um. Maybe take him outside, let him read his books, get him more junk food. Pat his head and pick on him. SOMETHING LIKE THAT??
ALMA'S GENERAL MENTAL STATE NOW.
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It's kind of a hilarious picture book in extremes. Because on the one hand, he's happy! He's discovering some genuine capacity for happiness. He's a bit intimidated to think of himself as "happy" and if he's being honest it's more "moments of happiness rising out of a sea of anger and resentment and grief" but moments of happiness are still kind of a big deal. And he's enjoying that.
Simultaneously he still kind of wishes he just didn't exist and wasn't alive again. He feels bad for that! And determined not to DO anything about it, because he's determined to change things and this time stop acting so much ON Kanda, even if he's bad at it. But the desire to escape his guilt and grief, while also feeling like he doesn't deserve an escape, won't go away.
And over top of all that he's finally reached the point where he is really, really secretly overwhelmed. He's emotionally exhausted, but he doesn't know how to handle that, so he keeps trucking on even though he is kind of getting to the point where he wants to crawl back into the futon and stay there and avoid people for a bit. Basically, I think I mentioned before that he really doesn't know how to handle meeting a lot of people who are his equals and being free and so on, and he WANTS these things so he's just throwing himself out there and doing his best anyway. But not knowing how to handle it and doing it anyway is having an emotional toll, and there have been a LOT of big emotional changes and revelations and events in the last few days, and while they're all good and he'd never take them back, they're big and exhausting and he kind of wants to have a really really thorough cry to just vent his emotional exhaustion but he also doesn't want to seem like he regrets any of the recent emotional events.
SO he's a bit strung out and forcing himself into mania to try to get through the exhaustion (even though that'll probably cause a bigger crash after).
ACTUALLY BACK AT YOU. Really generally how is life for Kanda right now.
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There's also from his conversations with Alma (esp the last one) that the reality of the war and what was going on in their world not mattering anymore sinking past his denial. And he has to accept he has no *duty* as an Exorcist and his and his title doesn't matter and it's pointless to hold onto it. WHICH AS I'VE SAID KANDA HAS NO SENSE OF PERSONAL SELF WORTH so he'll be translating his worth into an Exorcist into his worth cleaning/rebuilding the world, providing for their apartment, and even more into being worth the love from Alma. WHICH since that's splitting three different ways he's not going to unhealthily nosedive into one.
EDIT: but speaking of unhealthy nosedives he is becoming INCREASINGLY, RAPIDLY DEPENDENT ON ALMA. Like, it's one thing to be back home in the war and his duty and having never really had Alma and know you're losing him forever anyway and letting go and being at peace with what you did have. It's another to have that thing you've pined for and is still a constant on your mind RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ALL THE TIME. There's no actual need to move on, and Kanda doesn't think ahead of what losing him would be like because THAT IS A TERRIFYING THOUGHT. So he pushes it away because it scares him and never considers that, you know, he might need some way to stay stable if it happens.
So he is pretty much embracing his dependency as "this is what I want" and fuck any risks to his mental health if something happens (both because of how passionate he is about his feelings and how he has no self-worth outside of what other people define him so BEING WITHOUT ALMA AND HIS LOVE WOULD BE HOLLOWING WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT THAT'S NOT HAPPY).
So originally Guil was mixed message buddy and Kanda was feelings stable AND NOW THEY'VE SWITCHED. what does Alma think about that/the nuances between his perceived reasons for them.